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Our first reaction to most of the statements which we hear from other people is an immediate evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it. ‘That’s right’, or ‘That’s stupid’, or ‘That’s unreasonable’, or ‘That’s correct’. Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of his statement is to him.” – Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person
Empathy is paying full attention to what is going on in someone else’s mind. The difficulty we all have with this is that we are usually distracted by what is going on in our own mind. To pay attention to someone else we must first find a way to flick the switch – to divert our attention from the noise in our own minds, to give ourselves permission to set aside for a while our own sensations, memories, opinions, prejudices, thoughts and feelings, so that we can tune in to what is going on in their mind.
If you want to train yourself to pay more generous attention to others, how can you do it? Below you can find some frequently asked questions about how to listen and talk to someone with empathy. Take a look!
1. What attitude do I need to have to listen to someone with empathy?
Empathy is generous and patient. It suspends critical judgment and looks for the best in people. It values them even knowing their failings. It looks for a favourable interpretation of what they say and do, one they would feel proud to admit to, rather than a negative one.
It assumes they mean well. It tries to discover how they see things and what matters to them, not in order to agree or disagree but in order to learn, appreciate and respect. It reassures them that whatever their concern is, and however they express it, it deserves respect. When we offer this kind of attention people feel they can trust us and find relief in taking us into their confidence.
2. Which comes first, the skill or the attitude?
But do we need to have a perfect attitude before we begin to practise the skill? Practising the skill will train you to see people in a different way, because the more you understand, the more you appreciate and the less you judge.
3. What effect does my listening with empathy have on the person I am listening to?
The acid test of your listening is its immediate effect on the person you are listening to – how understood do they feel? If you fail this test you are unlikely to win their trust and cooperation even if you privately understand everything they say. There are two ways of knowing how understood they feel:
- The experience of being well understood is so satisfying, relieving, unusual and surprising that people often respond spontaneously by saying, “Exactly!” (or words to that effect). If you get this kind of response you know you are doing a good job.
- You can ask, “How understood have I made you feel on a scale from 0 – 10?” The answer, though subjective, is both easy to give and reliable. You can then judge your listening for yourself by the score you get on this scale. A score of 8 or above says you are doing okay. 7 or below says they would like it better if you paid more attention.
4. How accurate do I have to be when reflecting back people’s feelings?
Don’t worry if your guess is not 100% correct. It shows you are trying to understand. It will feel good to them that you are making the effort. They know it is only a guess, and it gives them an opportunity to correct you if you’re wrong.
5. What is reflective listening?
Reflective listening is mirroring back in your own words what someone seems to be telling you. Sometimes, but not always, it helps to have a verbal handle for this, e.g., “Let me make sure I’ve understood you .. ”, “What you seem to be saying is ..”, “From what you say I get the impression that ..”. Behind a reflective statement is an implied invitation to correct you if you are wrong.
6. Does the size of my vocabulary for describing feelings matter?
The answer is no. It is not necessary to have a large vocabulary to be successful with empathy. And the same thing goes for speaking assertively. However restricted you feel your vocabulary is, it is good enough. It is perfectly okay to use to words like good, bad, okay, not okay, happy, unhappy, pleased, not pleased. The important thing is to communicate honestly how you feel with the truest words you can find, and to be interested in how others feel, too. And people do not feel insulted if you misread their feeling, because it gives them a chance to say how they really feel.
7. Have I got the balance right between listening and speaking?
If you do all the talking and no listening your connection with the other person is bound to be poor, and they are unlikely to get much satisfaction. But you can also be out of balance in the opposite direction, by listening all the time and giving very little away of your own thoughts and feelings. Each of us has developed a different balance between listening and speaking. It is a habit we are often unaware of, but once we become aware of it we can change it. One of the benefits of the above questions is that they make us think about how our own conversations are going. They make us more aware of both sides of the equation, that is, whether we have the balance right between giving and receiving attention.
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